Our Sleep Problem

I remember when Jackson was a couple of weeks old, doing the math to figure out when he would be big enough and hold enough food in his tummy to sleep through the night. Oh, how very naive I was.

At first Jackson was a typical newborn, sleeping in 2-3 hour increments and then waking up for food. I dutifully got up and feed him and then returned him to his crib and got back into my bed. It was easy doing this because I believed that he was going to start increasing the time he slept to 4 hours, then five, and so on.

At about 2 months old, Jackson started to teeth (this is really early for a baby) and everything turned upside down. He was up every hour needing help to go back to sleep. His daytime naps turned into 15 – 30 minute naps (a baby his age should have been taking 2-3 hour naps).  It became impossible to get up with him every hour of the night. The solution that allowed me to keep my sanity was to bring him back into bed with me. So here we are, 9 months old, Jackson is still sleeping in my bed and he still wakes up every 1-2 hours needing help to go back to sleep. 

This has become one of the biggest challenges of my life. Who would have thought that sleep, of all things, would bring up so many emotions of disappointment, guilt, envy, hopelessness, fear, stress, embarrassment, helplessness,  inadequacy, and a terrible longing for something that seems to be more elusive than anything in my world.

Somewhere in the past few months, I decided to stop telling people how bad at sleeping Jackson is. I decided I was going to put on a good face and act like I was the mother of any normal sleeping baby. I did this for several reasons. For one, I felt embarrassed that I was such a bad mother that I couldn’t get my baby to sleep like other babies. I got sick of people offering advice as if I was obviously clueless, hadn’t researched into it, or tried anything new. I also got sick of people asking if Jackson was sleeping any better because the answer was too heart wrenching.

So why have I done what I have done?  Before Jackson was born, I had never even heard of co-sleeping and would probably have thought “bad parents let their babies sleep in bed with them”. I also had been reading baby books and I planned to let my baby learn how to sleep, via crying it out, once he reached 6 months. Things are so very different when it your own helpless baby that is crying for you.

Even if it weren’t for the practical reasons that we share a bedroom (that’s about to change!) and there is a an upstairs neighbor, I probably wouldn’t have let Jackson cry it out. I have never felt more inhumane, unloving, and like a bad mother than when I gave crying it out a try. After crying a long time, he started choking and threw up. It took an hour to calm him down and reassure him that he hadn’t just been abandoned. I decided then and there that crying it out wasn’t going to work for him or me.

The best resource I have found, and certainly the most humane, was “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley.  This book written for mothers just like me. I have been applying some of the principles in this book and it has gotten Jackson to take normal 2 hour long naps.  When Jackson and I are ready to tackle night time sleeping better (when he isn’t just about to get another tooth and when he has his own room) I am hopeful that I will finally see some improvement in my little guy.    

I have come to an acceptance about the way things are. I don’t think I’m a bad mother anymore. I still envy other mother’s that proudly announce their 4 week old baby sleeps 7 hours at a time. I wish it were as simple as letting him cry it out, but my intuition tells me that there is something else wrong and that our current course will be better for him. (I am looking forward to taking him to a new doctor; I have my suspicions about the BYU student health center ones who incorrectly diagnosed my torn ACL as a sprained knee.)

To end this post, I have often thought “what is Heavenly Father trying to teach me?” by giving me a baby like this. I have come up with a list of blessing that have come from my experience.

1) I don’t know what the bond is like between other mothers and their children, but I can’t imagine a bond stronger than the one between me and my baby. I think sacrifice fuels love. Jackson could live and die starring (and smiling) at me. I have learned a lot about my parenting style and found that I am definitely an attachment parenting woman.

2) Last Sunday, I was singing in church and noticed how pretty my voice was. In the last few months of rocking and singing to Jackson, I have logged  hours and hours of singing practice which translates into a prettier voice.

3) Besides being patient in affliction, I noticed that I have created a large reserve of patience for Jackson.

4) Heavenly Father has given me the most amazing husband to help me with this trial. Colin has been so patient, understanding and helpful. I know it has been really hard for him to watch me struggle with this and that he feels even more helpless than I do at times. He has been so willing to help.

5) I have experienced the truth that Heavenly Father answers prayers in his own way. Heavenly Father has not answered my desperate plea that my baby will miraculously sleep through the night. He has blessed me that I feel fine during the day and can get everything done that I need to, including going for our daily hikes or runs. 

This has been such a catharsis for me (I finally stopped crying) and I hope that it may in some way help some parent or future parent who may find themselves in a similar situation.