I was exhausted from a long day and being up part of the night so I went to bed at 7:00. Now it’s 12:45 am and I am awake and surfing the internet-- funny to see who’s on facebook this late at night. I know from when my dad died, my coping skills involve a lot of talking about it to other people. I guess it’s because I am an extrovert. Thank you for all your support, it really does help me to know there are people out there who care about us
Yesterday, I had an ultrasound at my OB’s office. I was doing really good handling everything until I got to the office. I think it’s when I realized that I wasn’t there for the same reason all the other women were. Looking at those big bellies was a big reminder, that for now, that’s not going to be me. What made it worse was how loving and compassionate all the staff was. The woman who did my first ultrasound, did it again. She remembered me and seemed upset that I was back so soon in this situation. I just melted and sobbed. I guess I’m a sucker for compassion from strangers.
There was some residual “stuff” left over so I have to see my doctor tomorrow morning. He may want to do a D and C. By the way, I now know why they encourage people to call it the doctrine and covenants and not D & C. I’m not too concerned about the procedure in itself, especially because I won’t really be conscious for it. It’s more that I just want this to be over with. I hate feeling like I am sick or broken. I don’t think I can work on myself emotionally until I am all better physically.
I have a new awareness for the pain infertility must cause. The knowledge that I can get pregnant super easy and can have a healthy pregnancy gives me great comfort and hope. For women that don’t know, must wait, or know the worst, it must be awful. I am see pregnancy everywhere. They talk about it a lot on the TV. Not counting the dozens of pregnant women in my ward, I counted 10 of my friends that are pregnant right now. Pregnant women are everywhere! Note: I am so happy for my friends and I don’t want you to feel badly or like you can’t talk (or even complain ;) ) to me about how your pregnancy is going. I like hearing other people’s good news and you give me something to hope for.
Thank you all for “listening”.
On an unrelated note (thank heavens) here is an amazing picture of the Iceland volcano. Looks almost fake, like something from LOTR or some other fantasy thing. The lightning is caused when rock, ash and ice fragments collide to produce static charges like when ice particles collide to produce lightning in a regular storm. Isn’t science/mother nature amazing? Good night everyone!
3 comments:
Oh, Katrina! I'm so sad that you have to go through this. I know you are super strong and will get through but I know that you will be dealing with heartbreak for a while. I remember when we were trying to start our family without success that there definitely seemed to be pregnant women everywhere. At least you aren't in a BYU student ward, someone new is pregnant each week it seems like. Anyways, I love ya and will be keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Oh Katrina, I just read about your loss. I am sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
So obviously I don't check your blog frequently, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you had this happen! I understand your feelings/thoughts completely...since we had Blake (Aug 2008) we have had 2 miscarriages. One at around 5 weeks and the other around 10/11 weeks. It sucks! You echoed my feelings in this post - thanks for writing it!
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